Rambling Thoughts

I’ve been experiencing a massive slump these past few weeks (or months, I’m not sure). 2017 had started way too promising and I don’t want to let it down, so this is me trying to get myself together.

I’m trying to come back to writing… for my sanity. I used to be so verbose (to the point I beat around the bush, yes) but these days, I just can’t write anything that at least makes sense. I came across a site containing writing prompts earlier today, so I decided to use it since my mind has been blank I didn’t know what to write.

  • Write about your favorite childhood toy.
  • Write the best or the worst day of your life.
  • Finish this thought: if I could change one thing about myself…
  • If and when I raise children, I’ll never…
  • I have never been more frightened than when…
  • Five years from now, I will be…
  • Write something about a day you’d like to forget.
  • Describe an event that changed your life forever, or make up and describe an event that would change your life forever.
  • Write about a time when you struggled with a choice and made the right one.
  • Which character from a book would you most like to meet and why?
  • What would you do if you woke up one morning to find yourself invisible?
  • What would you do if you could travel into the future?
  • What would you do if you could travel into the past?
  • Write a list of at least 50 things that make you feel good.
  • Tell about what triggers anger in you or someone else.
  • What is the best book you’ve ever read? Why did you like it? Did reading the book change you in any way? What way?
  • Write about what you didn’t do this weekend.
  • If you were the ruler of the world, what things would you banish absolutely for all time? Make a list.
  • Begin a list of questions that you’d like to have answered. This may be about the future or the past.
  • What do you consider your greatest accomplishment to date and why?
  • What, if anything, would you be willing to fight or even die for?
  • Write about a stray animal you brought home.
  • Write about a disappointment.
  • Write about an experience in a hospital.
  • Have you ever wished you were either older or younger? What would you consider the benefits? The problems?
  • Do you think women should take men’s last names when they marry?
  • Write about two things your family has taught you.
  • Write about the things you worry about.

Source: dailyteachingtools.com/journal-writing-prompts.html

Rambling Thoughts

Never Forget

They would tell you about the infrastructures built during the regime of Ferdinand E. Marcos, but they would not tell you that more than a hundred workers were buried alive during the construction of the Manila Film Center. They would tell you how “peaceful” the streets were but they would forget to tell you that you’d be abducted and/or killed have you been seen wandering late at night in the streets during the Martial Law. They would tell you about the time when the Philippine peso equates to a dollar, but they would not mention about the Marcos Family’s ill-gotten wealth. They would make you remember Hacienda Luisita Massacre, the Mendiola bombing and fallen SAF44 – you should be mad about these incidents too – but they would forget to mention that during Martial Law, Russian roulette isn’t exactly a game unlike how its name would appeal like, that water cure isn’t the same as the water therapy you put yourself into when you have cough and colds but didn’t want to take meds and that San Juanico Bridge wasn’t exactly the bridge that stretches from Samar to Leyte. They would tell you about how intelligent Marcos was, but they would not tell you how this intelligence became an ingredient to tear apart the democracy of your countrymen.

They would not tell you about your slain brothers and sisters who were abducted, abused, tortured and killed. They would not tell you about the wealth and democracy of this nation they took away during the dark age of the pearl of the orient. They would not tell you how children became orphans. They would not tell you how parents who worked their asses of earning for their children’s future have to bury their child – bloody, unrecognizable or probably in a pail with muriatic acid. If they’re lucky enough to have a body to bury, that is. They would not tell you Bongbong Marcos wanted to blast Camp Crame. They would not tell you about the lad who was tortured and killed merely because the oh-so-lovely princess, Imee Marcos, wasn’t pleased with his question in a forum she attended. They would not tell you how the voices, the pleas, the screams of the Filipino people were silenced. They would not tell you how this dictator and his family wrecked, tricked and betrayed your motherland, the Philippines.

But you must remember.

You will remember for you are a Filipino who would not fall yet again in the hands of this vicious family. You will remember because you know well that Martial Law was not a battle between two political families but a battle between Marcoses and the Filipino people. You will remember for the fallen young brilliant people who traded their tomorrows for your brighter future. The guns, the dos por dos, the electric shock, the cigarette and iron burns – they embraced it all… for your freedom.

You will remember all these because you’re a Filipino.

He’s not a hero.

Ferdinand E. Marcos is not a hero.

Yes, he was a president. Yes, he was a soldier. But he was ousted by the Filipino people – a verdict way more powerful than Supreme Court’s. He was dishonorably discharged both as a president and as commander in chief.

So why, why would we honor him for something we ousted him from?

College Chronicles, Rambling Thoughts

“I want this,” I remember telling my mom as I was about to confirm my slot in BS BAA over a year ago. She was hesitant, yes, for I was doing well in Educ she would have preferred if I stayed, but the part of her that trusted me and wanted to support me in my every decision was greater and so did she let me.

I heard her reminding me once these past weeks that she didn’t want me to shift out of Educ after all that had happened now. I tried to reason out to her and to my brother, and my brother told me I was just convincing myself to believe what I have said. But no. I do not regret it. Really. You might not believe it, but I do not regret leaving Educ.

Yes, I felt so accomplished being able to shift to Educ on the first few months, feeling a little bit heroic for leaving a prestigious program for a career that aimed to serve, but the magic didn’t last long. I had to prepare for visual aids and educational games, act like a kid for a demo, act like a jovial teacher for presentations. And while I was getting unos and line of ones, I became stressed; I became anxious all the time. If some specialist told me I was clinically depressed back then, I would have believed it in a heartbeat. No one noticed; No one probably knew. Who would have when my grades were okay – I was a university scholar and then a college scholar – and when I wasn’t secluding myself from my family as well? I was fine… or so I would have wanted to believe, but inside me was an avalanche hurling chaos into the pits of my sanity or at least what was left of it.

I wanted to get out of it so much I started to believe I’ve been experiencing hell so I could realize I was better off in the business realm… I am likely to believe I started distorting my memories of my business path adventure back in the university belt. I started missing the balance sheets and all that, pushing me to file an application to shift to the business school and later on, confirm my slot. But then the angels above probably wanted to remind me that I didn’t leave it the first time just because.

And now I am here.

If you’d ask me again and again, the answer would still be the same: I do not regret leaving Educ, because while the decision was probably not the best for my could-have-been career, it was best for my mental health. If there’s one thing I regret it would probably not applying to UP Manila back then just because I didn’t want to go through another rigorous process.

And yes, I realized I’ll still have the time and the chance: I’m aiming med school after graduation. Impractical? Probably. But I’d rather try and see it ’til the end than weep for my lost chances when I’m forty. For now, I’m looking into it keenly – making sure I’m not blinded by the prestige all over again.

M.D. dreams… figures I’m not too patient to wait for the next life time.

College Chronicles

A year and two degree programs later…

Hello!

It’s been a year and almost a quarter since I last posted an entry on this blog. It was because the past year has been chaotic. That basically sums up everything.

Well, it started pretty fine. I got accepted in BS Business Administration and Accountancy – yes, the so called triple quota program of the University of the Philippines. Sadly though, the clock striked twelve, indicating midnight, and the fairytale ended.

I survived the first semester. Barely. The second semester was lighter in terms of workload but my Accounting (I’m talking about the course, not my prof) was a total bitch. So yes, I did not meet the cut-off. My running GWA and curriculum general weighted average is still pretty decent – one point something-ish, but my Accounting average came in .25 short.

I had to shift out of BS BAA. Ouch.

But hey, I could say I let BS BAA go with my heart at peace! I let it go willingly. I knew I did not deserve to stay in the program anyway. There were regrets – yes, at some point. I knew I could have done so much better in 99.1; I wished I practiced more for 99.2; I wished I didn’t get a 7am class so I won’t be always 15-20 minutes late for my 99.2 class; I wished I invested more time and effort. But then, it has already happened. I could no longer turn back time to fix my shortcomings. All I had to do was to accept it, so I did. Madali naman akong mag-move on.

But the agony didn’t end there.

As I’ve said, I had to shift out of BS BAA… the dilemma came to where I should shift to. I had in mind BA Linguistics (because I truly enjoyed my GE Lingg class) and B Secondary Education major in Biology. I also considered all the other programs for as long as I could comply with their shifting application requirements. Basta-may-course was my mindset then. I even got three TCGs so I could apply to 3 programs. But the catch is… I ended up not applying either to BA Lingg or BSE. I didn’t even need any of my 3 TCGs.

I ended up applying only to BS Business Administration (same college with BS BAA). It was because I didn’t want to extend another full year in college and I didn’t want my units to be put to waste (all of my BAA courses are credited to BA). Also, I have the option to just take BS Accountancy in a different university after college (not that I like Accountancy that much).

It was all or nothing. BA or non-major! And I did not want to be a non-major. I’d rather have a degree program that I don’t like than be a non-major; that’s just way too risky for me. So I prayed and kept my faith that I’d be accepted in BS BA.

The results came last July 11. Luckily, I was accepted in the BA program!

I’ll be a junior this coming semester and I truly hope I’d get my needed courses. Hoping for the best!

So what else?

Hmm… lately I’ve been thinking about applying to Med School after (hopefully) finishing my BS BA degree. Sounds so random, right?

Actually, no. Looking back, people actually expected Younger Me, to be a doctor – probably the reason why I didn’t take pre-med when I was a freshman.

At FEU AERO
“BSBA Internal Auditing.”
“Hindi na MedTech?”
I smiled, “Hindi na po.”

Probably the biggest regret of my teenage years.

If only I’ve stuck to my first choice… Everything would have been so different. (Disclaimer: I don’t regret transferring to UP.)

So back to Med School, I’ve been searching on probable schools with scholarship opportunities because heck, Med School is so expensive you have to sell your soul to the demons. But as I research more on it, I found out that I have to take a number of additional units in different sciences to comply with the admission requirements. I have calculated that it will take two to three regular semesters. Plus the Doctor of Medicine program is 5 years (including 1-yr internship), then the licensure exam. Chances are, if odds would be in my favor, I’d be an M.D. at 29.

And that’s totally not practical, and unfair (I think) for my siblings who are both already working.

So I guess I have to let my med dreams go… or perhaps I have actually let it go years ago when I decided to take the road hundred eighty degrees away from it. Sigh.

It’s sad… to finally know what you really want after years of being so lost and yet having to choose to turn your back from it again.

Pero sabi ko naman ‘di ba, madali naman ako mag-move on.

Maybe in the next lifetime, M.D. dreams… Next lifetime. 🙂

Rambling Thoughts

Sentimiento 001

Pagbabago para sa bayan, iyong pinananawagan
Iyong kamalian ay ‘di mo nakikita, ‘di mo naririnig,
Dahil pagbabagong para sa bayan, patuloy mong pinaghihihiyaw.
Ika’y nakatayo sa harap ng madla, baon ang iyong mga ideolohiya.
Ngunit isang tanong mula sa’kin ay namutawi:
Kailan mo makikitang
Pagbabago para sa bayan, sa’yo dapat magsimula?
Hintuturo mo’y kung sino-sino’ng dinuduro
Tatlo mong daliri, sa’yo nakaturo.